Me and my grandma shared many things apart from our common love for toothpastes(weused to eat them and even discuss their tastes secretly,and after many prudent trials,examinations and investigations, we had derieved on this mutual consensus that Colgate toothpowder,dat tasted somewhat like amulya milk powder mixed with lots of grinded POLO mint in it),was the unoppossed and unarguably the best thing we could have in the mornings before she had her filter coffee and I, my bournvita.We both had the habit of sipping infact gulping in steaming,over-piping hot beverages, that can melt down the throat if poured into it at some particular speed from some particular angle.She has been the strongest lady I have come across in life,much stronger than my mom whom I love the most,not because she could dominate her, but because she made my mom accept her the way she was and to some extent, even love her ways.
I believe that in most arranged marriages, the 'love' between the the couple starts only after the children are born ,when their kindergarten dramas, repertoires of school life and college adventures grow in proportions, with the regular saga of uniform ironing and plait making and water bottle filling and home work monitoring tasks get mutually divided between both the parents.Most of the times,I do feel the love between our moms and dads comes merely out of habitual companionship and lots of gratitude which they think, is due for each other.This is because in the initial years of marriage,atleast in those times,most men were confused as to which female to resort to(either their moms,or their newly wed brides).Mom were always a safe option because obedient,dutiful and domesticated sons were considered culturally strong and virtuous, and they,by virtue of unshakeable dedication to their parents,even in the presence of 'wives who can break or make families' earn the prestigious privilege of being identified 'a good son' by the ever judgemental,over weening and interfereing society... And god-forbid not dishonoured with the other-'vice', scandalous title of a henpecked husband listening to the gal, barely two month old in the family... Some may learn to divide their approaches accordingly,like presenting the salary packet to their loving and doting moms every month end but making sure that they sneak out a few notes to give their wives a portion of her personal expenses, or like buying silk saree with a heavy golden border and gifting it to their moms along with their wives,but taking their wives out on park outings and icecream parlours on the pretext of cliched excuses of groceries and vegetable shopping and gifting her a lovely secretive dress she ought to wear only when the couple's alone.My mom might have also been a victim of deprieved,in fact secretive and divided attention.
My mom is strong when it comes to counselling our neighbours on the importance of sending their children to handwriting classes in the vacations or when it comes to teaching a random street kid, the basics of moral science and kindness, when she catches him idly aiming and throwing stones on poor grazing cows and loitering pigs.My mom would make sure to see that every dead creature our vicinity get properly buried and the body is not left rotting in heat,dust and rain.And our household was a museum of pets,lots of cats,a few puppies and doggies wagging their tails off the fences(they weren't allowed inside cos the cats wouldn't like it then),waiting to be thrown a biscuit or a roti dipped in ghee at regular intervals ,lots of kittens of the cats,squirrels,birds who came pecking down,making all sorts of noise to the parapet of the terrace where, beyond the reach of the monstous-michievous,ready to pounce-on--the-preycats , mom used to keep a pot of water with boiled rice in a saucer,some raw grains scatterred and a few bread crumbs too in a plate.Ma belives in peaceful co-existence and perfect harmony .I don know if she includes humans in her world of perfect symbiosis because I know she considers the inmates of the animal kingdom far more superior than humans.And that's one trait I and my bro have inherited from her completely and we are proud of it.This was something my dad and grandma could never comprehend.It was disgusting for them,the whole concept of sharing beds,sofas,razais with four legged, furred but properly named creatures trying to lick you all over. And Ma was a self appointed guardian of street animals,all the pets that we had cats and dogs were all stray,tamed to be with us with their liking ,consent and acceptance.Ma could never think of sumthing so repugnant as buying a pet dog or cat for money(my dad had suggested that many a time cos he feared we, as kids, would get infected which was immediately frowned upon and rejected and thrown into the dumps for all times to come).Dad listens to ma because I know he loves her and because he knows she loves his mom and cos we(me,pa n bro) are her world.My paati,(that's wat I used to call her,)on the other hand was very different.She loved to be with people who were sensible and intelligent.She made sure she wasn't in a company that could prove uesless to her in matters of anything,quality addition,relation building, transfer of information(aka gossip)..anything.She didn't like the pet-mania that we three(bro,me n ma) had.But she wasn't the grumbling kinds.She knew our fetish was strong,it was genetic,maternally inherited,cemented by a 'trio unity' and wouldnt perish in this lifetime.She got along with it,eventually falling in love with them more than us in her last days.There was one particular night when our pet cat,puff, of eight years,who was heavily pregnant,started whining and meaowing,indicating that she wanted to go in labor.Ma ,though wanted to take care of her ,felt helpless ,cos she and me had to leave the next day morning to naani's place in hyderabad and she couldnt let puff inside the house and have kittens cos the house would just have paati,who she thought wouldn't just care and my bro who would be busy with his boards...Ma was upset but she had her priorities set straight,she didnt want to beg her mother in law for something she knew she would be refused on face.Puff stayed there on the window slab crying heavily,begging to be let in and we stood inside not knowing wat to do.It must have been an hour's trauma,before which,paati barged into the store room,made a lil bed with a cardborad box,a lil soft bedsheet draped on it,lots of cotton stuffed inside and opened the window,in went puff,and in next an hour,we had three round balls ,living kittens delivered.Paati then gave ma a huge lecture on wat responsibilities are and how big a sin it is to leave a person so dependent on u,on the roads,when he needs you the most.She stood true to her word.By the time we came back,we had a house packed with frisky ,healthy kittens running everywhere, and jumping on paati,licking her, and 'not so grateful' puff darling,all happy and healthy, sleeping on the sofa like some queen.,all thanks to paati.
She was a lady, I have never seen crying,inspite of losing a husband,a young son,siblings,,all at a relatively young age.Not that she wasn't emotional,but cos she had gradually learned her lessons of life and was just trying hard to implement them.She remained composed,calculated and collected during every peril that struck her or the family.She was a literate,an eight standard drop out, who could read ,and write english and tamil and speak them,along with nice fluent, marathizized,bengalified hindi .She knew reasonably a lot about the world and the people,and if she didn't,she would make sure she asked anyone present to update her on that.Be it Nehru's socialism or the history of Madras-pattinam(chennai),or even the insane assaults of Bal thackeray against south indians of bombay in the seventies, to the ever growing population and changing faces of lake area and howrah in calcutta.She had lived in three big capital cities of India and she had made sure that she imbibed in her the best of everything.
One could talk to her for hours together,especially me.I just couldn't have enough of her slices of life.I remember we had a very antique,wooden,fish shaped vegetable cutter that had the pics of little fat fish,fish that resembled the ones we used to draw and colour on our drawing sketch book as kids.It was gifted to paati(that's wat i used to call her,grandma looks really 'proper and proper' and artificial)by her bengali neighbour.Ma would never use it citing everytime the same reason that it would have been the 'yamghat' for many a fish,prawn and wat not(I guess everyone in our family is a veggie cos we love animals and can't imagine killing them for ...blah blah and not cos our caste and tradtions demand it).Paati would simply laugh it over ,very sarcastically and tell mom"You have never lived in calcutta and bombay,you wouldnt know how these societies are and how memorable they become when you leave them, gita,you wouldnt simply get over your conventional thinking."Paati wasn't very fond of ma initially but she loved me unconditionally.That was cos we both could get along well co nicely.I won't mind accepting the fact that I used to spend most of my evenings with her instead of playing "thuppo" and "dog and the bone" with other kids.That was bad I know but that was different story altogether........Ma was very serious about our studies,both mine and bhai's and she would make endless question papers and take a number of photocopies to give us the practice,practice and more practice.This would just irritate paati to the core and she would just assemble all her contempt for slavery of chilren through bonded labour called meaningless,mugging education,in just one sentence everytime that would inturn anger ma,"You are just spoiling them gita,and their childhood too."
And paati in her nine yard saree with silver long thick hair nealty tied in a bun,was more modern than ma.I remember once when ma discovered the first ever valentine day card that I received from some sweet stupid classmate, in seventh standard, which I had hidden behind the book racks,she had chided me badly,making me feel worse than ever and guilty for no understandable mistake of mine.But all that paati had to say was "Who 's the guy,ammu,,do u want to marry him?tell me if u want to,I will talk to your dad,amma can't do a thing then..but don't get married so soon.you are my princess and this princess of mine,unlike other royal people,will have to work and earn her own money and build her big house,not depend on her husband like me and ur ma have done." Given an option between watching a mythological serial and an old tamil classic movie,she would chose neither and ask me to change it to news.That's actually wat even my mom would do but a lil difference comes here,she would change it to discovery or animal planet,never News...
Paati left us wen I was in my first year of college.But I won't be lying if I say there hasn't been a single day of my life when I haven't thought of her.I adore her,not cos she was and is the dearest person of my life,but because I admire her for the woman she was...sensitive yet strong, interesting, intriguing yet practical and calculating, not at all modest,a lil arrogant but adaptive and comforting,sarcastic but addictive,harsh but honest........I don't remember anyone,not even my parents, who could have loved and known me so well like my paati did....She has taught me the most important lessons of life,the most significant of them, is the importance of building up your interest and passion and nurturing it till you live and even when you start anticipating about your death...cos that's one thing that gives you a purpose to live and the confidence to endure,when time,age and health collectively betray you......love u paati.
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